


Confrontations

by Hester (hester4418)



Series: With a Little Help [7]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Confusion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 02:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3919693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hester4418/pseuds/Hester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Confusion reigns, and Janeway is trying to make sense of everything that's happening around her. Her method of choice is, once again, the holodeck - which yields unexpected revelations...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confrontations

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please see my story "Healing" (first part of the 'With a Little Help' Series) for further information on the genesis of this series.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures; no infringement of copyright is intended. This story however belongs to me.
> 
> Originally started May 2000; revised and extensively added to October 2012.
> 
> Episode references: (Hope and Fear, Timeless,) Bliss, Unforgettable, In the Flesh, Counterpoint (and probably a few others I can't recall)

Confusion reigned, and there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it. First, her well-laid plan about 'abducting' Chakotay on a paradisiacal planet had gone haywire when he turned out to be highly allergic to something in the planet's atmosphere and had started choking almost as soon as he had beamed down. Then various encounters with more or less benevolent species had followed and they had been presented with an almost certain way home no less than three times, only to be disappointed yet again. The ensuing mood swings among the crew had taken their toll on everyone, and tempers were running high. Janeway had her hands full with reports about altercations and several instances of physical fights, and she desperately wished for a bit of peace and quiet.

Somewhere along the way, Chakotay had turned away from her. She couldn't explain it, couldn't find any reason or event that might have triggered it, but he was not responding to her the way he used to and did not initiate any kind of personal conversation out of his own accord. Of course, after her conversation with Tuvok several months ago she had tried to avoid flirting with him in public, and she wasn't sure whether maybe Chakotay had interpreted her changed behavior the wrong way. More often than not, he tended to avoid her altogether.

Janeway sighed. She would have to talk to him. And she wanted to, but their recent encounter with the 'starship-eating monster', as Naomi Wildman called it, had all but complicated matters indefinitely. None of it had been real, and yet she remembered it as clearly as if it had happened only yesterday. And she couldn't help but wonder... If that entity had really tapped into their brains to present them with the scenario they most wanted to happen, then what did that tell her about herself and her innermost dreams? Did she really still love Mark that much? Rationally speaking, she would deny it, but then why had she slept with him in her 'vision'? And where the hell had Chakotay been?!

Disgusted with herself and her inability to figure out how to deal with everything that was happening around her, Kathryn Janeway forcefully slammed down her ever-present mug of coffee. Looking back at the past couple of weeks, even months, she suddenly realized that she had been used and manipulated, over and over again, not _acting_ but simply _re-acting_ to whatever anyone threw at her. This couldn't go on. _She_ couldn't go on. It was time for her to take her life, and her decisions, back into her own hands.

She rose quickly and stormed through the doors, her destination – once again – the holodeck.

-==/\==-

Meanwhile, Chakotay was fighting his own private battle. _Voyager_ 's recent run-in with the Devore and the loathsome Kashyk had once more driven home just how far he and Kathryn had drifted apart. The ease with which she had deceived the 'Inspector' had impressed the first officer, but at the same time he couldn't help wondering just how persuasive she'd had to get. She had spent a lot of time alone with Kashyk, ostensibly trying to locate the elusive wormhole, and the ship's rumor mill had been working overtime. In the interest of ensuring her safety – or so Chakotay had told himself – he had sifted through all the gossip, trying to gauge if there was any truth behind it, and had hated himself for doing it at the same time.

He briefly wondered what had passed through _her_ head when he had gone to his 'date' with 'Valerie Archer' several weeks earlier. They had desperately needed more information on what Species 8472 was planning and hadn't had much choice how to get it. But the way Kathryn had questioned him before his beam-down, looking for signs of betrayal... He had sensed her distrust, directed at the whole crew, but at him in particular as he and Tuvok had been inside the alien habitat the longest. In hindsight, he felt like the protagonist from an old-fashioned spy novel, always ready to get up close and personal with the enemy, no matter what form that enemy might take. He had played along for the sake of the greater good, but hadn't told anyone just how revolting the experience had been, on more than one level. He wanted nothing more than to forget the whole episode.

And then there was the matter of Kellin. Contrary to Valerie, he did not even remember her, so what in the world had possessed him to fall in love with her, twice even? And to record all of it in detail? Looking back over the handwritten pages he felt like they had been composed by a love-struck teenager, full as they were of descriptive adjectives and assurances of his undying love for her. And where the hell had Kathryn been during all of that?!

-==/\==-

The holodeck was empty save for four solitary figures in the center of the room. Only one of them was moving, passing from one to the other, checking their appearances and making alterations where necessary. Her spoken commands to the computer were executed immediately and finally her steps slowed until she came to a halt opposite the three silent forms. Giving them another visual once-over, Kathryn Janeway contemplated which one she should activate first.

Immediately on her left, there was Kashyk. She had had him watched by security cameras every single minute he had spent aboard _Voyager_ , so it had been easy for the computer to recreate his image and even extrapolate a personality subroutine from the security logs. How accurate this recreation was still remained to be seen.

In the middle, there was Mark. Janeway had created a holoimage of him during her first few months in the Delta Quadrant but hadn't accessed it in more than two years. Now she had updated his memory file to include recent events, complete with the experience they had shared in her vision. The real Mark would never know about that encounter, but for what she had in mind now, it was important that this one did. After all it had been all too real for her, so she had decided to deal with it as if it had actually happened.

Lastly, on her right side, there was Chakotay. The temptation had been great to dress him in his New Earth clothes, to remind her of the wonderful time they had shared, but with all that had occurred recently and also considering the current state of their relationship (if it could still be called that), it didn't seem appropriate. Accordingly, the commander's silent image was wearing his uniform, just as the captain was wearing hers.

A harsh sound escaped Janeway's throat. She had intended it to be laughter, but it sounded more like contempt. These were the three men who had been on her mind constantly for the past couple of weeks, sometimes separately, sometimes together, fighting for her attention. Today, she would have it out with them once and for all.

-==/\==-

Chakotay had been pacing for the last half hour, but he just could not concentrate. Too many thoughts and images were running through his mind, not just of Kellin and Valerie but also Seska, and, of course, Kathryn...

Running both hands through his hair in frustration, he sat down at his desk. "Computer, open personal log. Resume at last entry."

A soft chirp sounded. Chakotay closed his eyes and took a deep breath in preparation for what he wanted to say, but the ship's computer beat him to it. "Unable to comply."

His eyes snapped open. "What? Why?"

"Personal logs can only be accessed from a single location at any given time," the melodious female voice informed him, stating a fact he was well aware of.

"Then what's the problem?"

If the ship's computer had been sentient, it would have rolled its eyes at him in exasperation by now. "Commander Chakotay's personal log is already being accessed at this time."

"From where?"

"Holodeck 2."

The first officer narrowed his eyes, keeping his irritation in check with an effort. "List personnel currently on Holodeck 2."

"Captain Kathryn Janeway."

Chakotay felt as if he had just been slapped. He knew things hadn't been ideal between them lately, but this betrayal of his trust cut him deeper than anything she had done to him this far.

He rose slowly, deliberately, gripping the back of his chair with far more force than necessary. His jaw was clenched tight as he considered his options, but in the end he knew there was only one course of action he could take. Shoving the chair aside, he exited his quarters in the direction of the holodeck.

If this was the way she wanted to play it, she had picked the wrong opponent.

-==/\==-

"Computer, activate Kashyk."

The holo-Kashyk stirred and looked about him, as if trying to find out where he was. Then his eyes fell on Janeway. "Captain," he exclaimed, advancing toward her with outstretched arms. "What a pleasure to see you again!"

"Stop!" She held up a hand and he froze, a half-surprised, half-amused grin on his face. He followed her with his eyes as she slowly circled him, not at all perturbed by her scrutiny. She found herself wondering if it was at all possible to catch him unawares.

Coming to a halt directly in front of him, she brought her face to within two inches of his. "Why did you betray me?" There was anger in her voice, but also a hint of disappointment.

He didn't budge. "It was your only weakness. We needed a way to find the refugees, and you were the most promising target. It didn't take a telepath to find your vulnerability. And it worked, didn't it?" He laughed. "You were easy prey."

She fought not to let the hurt she felt creep into her voice. "Then you didn't feel anything for me?" Although she had never fully trusted him, she refused to believe that all his actions had been nothing more than make-believe.

As if to confirm her thoughts, a wistful look came over Kashyk's face. His hands came up to rest on her shoulders. "Under different circumstances, I might have..."

He suddenly pulled her to him and kissed her. Janeway struggled to break free and slapped him across the face. His half-amused grin returned. "You're easy prey," he repeated, lifting his right hand to brush a wayward stand of hair away from her cheek in a mock-caress.

"Computer, freeze character." She left him standing where he was, his hand still outstretched.

Hard as it was for her to admit it, every word he'd said was true. She _had_ been easy prey, grasping for a bit of sympathetic contact beyond the daily command routine. No matter his ulterior motives, Kashyk had given her emotional warmth at a time when everybody else seemed to turn away from her, especially Chakotay.

Chakotay. She stopped in front of him, wondering if she should activate him next. No. He would be last.

Turning left, the captain addressed the computer again. "Activate Mark."

The hologram blinked, and his eyes instantly found hers. He turned his head slightly, but otherwise did not move. "Kathryn." His voice, so soft and loving.

Tears sprang to Janeway's eyes and she fought hard to refrain from throwing herself into his arms.

"You were gone when I woke up." A statement, not judging her, not demanding an explanation she might not be willing to give. Just stating a fact.

Her tears were falling freely now. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"So am I." There was sadness in his voice. "I loved you."

She started at his unexpected use of the past tense. "Computer, freeze character." Her eyes suddenly dry, she forced herself to look at him, he who had once been more than her lover; her fiancé, the man she had been willing to spend the rest of her life with. Was that still true today?

Shrinking from the question as usual, Janeway quickly wiped her eyes and turned to the last of the holograms. She dreaded talking to him, but there was no use backing down now. Better to get it over with, so she could get on with her life.

"Computer, activate Chakotay." As soon as the command registered, a frown passed over the commander's face. It deepened when he noticed Janeway's presence.

She wasn't surprised. She had instructed the computer to access Chakotay's logs, both official and private, and to use the contents to update his personality profile and memory file. She knew she had effectively broken the lock on Chakotay's diary, but since she didn't read it and didn't use the contents per se, only the effect they had on his behavior, she had almost succeeded in justifying her actions in front of herself. Almost – but she would deal with that later.

The holo-Chakotay kept staring at her, the frown never leaving his face. Janeway realized that this time she would have to make the first move.

"Hello, Chakotay," she said, tentatively approaching his position.

"Captain." There it was again, the growing distance between them. The mere use of her rank instead of her name was enough to obliterate her resolve of staying calm. She rushed up to him, grabbing both his upper arms and shaking him forcefully. He was visibly surprised but did not resist her.

"What the hell is wrong, Chakotay?" she all but shouted in his face.

Finally roused by her attack, Chakotay shook off her hands and took a step back. His frown deepened. "I could ask the same of you, Kathryn. What is going on?" Then he became aware of the silent images of Kashyk and Mark. "And what are _they_ doing here?"

Suddenly Janeway was very calm. "I'm trying to sort some things out," she said.

His harsh laughter grated on her ears. "With them? If this is who you turn to for advice, no wonder we haven't made any progress lately."

" _We_? There hasn't be a 'we' for a long time, at least not that I can recall."

"No." His eyes turned dark. "And don't think I hadn't noticed." He turned suddenly, advancing toward Kashyk and Mark. "Tell me, are they any better advisors than Tuvok? Did you consult with them after Tuvok told you to turn me down, or were one Vulcan's doubts already enough to destroy everything we ever had? Don't answer –" he cut her off before she could open her mouth. "I'll ask them myself. Computer, activate all holographic characters in this room." Recognizing the first officer's voice, the computer complied.

Janeway's head spun. This was not what she'd had in mind when she'd created the three men's likenesses. She was tempted to simply shut down the program, but when Kashyk's and Mark's images came alive again and turned toward Chakotay, she stood by and watched in helpless fascination.

"So," Chakotay snarled, "What did _you_ tell her about _command protocol_ and _parameters_? No doubt you both had quite a bit to say on that matter?!"

Kashyk gave him an amused smile before replying. "I merely taught her that feelings are a weakness. Easily manipulated and bent to one's wishes. Of course you, Commander, would never stoop that low to attain your goal."

"You're darn right I wouldn't," Chakotay growled.

Kashyk shrugged. "More's the pity for you."

Janeway could see in Chakotay's eyes that he was rapidly losing control. Then Mark stepped in.

"Gentlemen," he said calmly, forcing the two opponents to step apart in order to make room for him. "Please, can't we settle this in a more civilized manner?"

"And who would you be?" Kashyk asked loftily. "Prince Charming?"

"In a way," Mark smiled amiably. "In any case, I'm the one Kathryn chooses to make love to these days."

"What?!" Kashyk and Chakotay exclaimed in unison.

Janeway cringed. This was _definitely_ not what she'd had in mind.

"When?" someone asked, and when Mark replied, his voice held more than just a trace of victory. "Yesterday. And just for your information, she showed none of the hesitation or doubts which obviously kept her from giving in to the two of you."

Chakotay punched him.

 _This is going too far_ , Janeway thought with alarm. Kashyk was too arrogant, Mark too outspoken, and Chakotay way too angry and violent. However, before she could utter a word, a voice rang out behind her.

"Computer, freeze program."

Janeway froze along with the three holo-images and felt her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. She had been so caught up in the scene unfolding before her eyes, she hadn't heard the doors opening and closing.

"How long have you been here?" she asked, her voice barely audible.

"Long enough."

The commander advanced, moving past her to scrutinize his counterpart who was suspended in mid-motion after delivering a crushing blow to Mark's nose.

The holo-Chakotay's face was distorted by rage – and pain, Janeway realized with a start. She kept her eyes trained on him, afraid of what she might get to see in the real Chakotay's face.

Sure enough, he was turning on her now. Even without looking, Janeway could tell by his tone that he struggled to keep his own rage at bay.

"What is this, Kathryn? Your idea of a fun afternoon out?" His voice was dripping with sarcasm, and she knew she deserved every ounce of it.

"I'm trying to sort some things out," she repeated what she had told his holographic alter ego mere minutes ago, chin jutting out defiantly, but even to her own ears the explanation sounded shallow now.

"And for that you had to break into my personal logs?" So that was what had brought him here. She really couldn't blame him for being upset.

"I didn't read any of it. I just wanted you – _him_ – to be more realistic."

"For what, Kathryn?" Chakotay was rapidly approaching his breaking point. He would have welcomed the chance to hit someone, and he was in complete agreement with his holographic self about a likely target. "What kind of game are you playing?"

"This is no game, believe me!" Her own anger was rising and she finally shifted her attention from one Chakotay to the other. The temperature in the room seemed to go up a few degrees as his heated stare was met by the blaze in her eyes. "I'm tired of our dance, Chakotay! It's always been one step forward, two steps back, but lately it felt more like ten steps back and none forward."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Does it matter?!" She was on the move now, circling the small group in the center of the room, her agitation increasing as she passed each of the men in turn who had given her so much grief. "We hardly ever talk anymore, not about the things that really matter. And since I can no longer get a straight answer out of you, I figured maybe I would from _him_!" She whirled around to face the holographic Chakotay again. "Computer, activate Chak–"

"BELAY THAT ORDER!" Chakotay thundered. He forcefully grabbed Janeway's wrist and spun her back to him, their faces inches apart. "Try me!" he uttered in a low guttural growl which made the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end. She felt the raw power behind his words and the heat in his touch, and she knew that right now he was not afraid of hurting her.

"Fine!" she spat, jerking her hand away from his and rubbing her wrist. "Just what is it that you want from me? Whatever I try, it never seems to be enough. And as soon as I turn my back, you can't wait to throw yourself at someone else. So tell me, once and for all: What – do – you – _want_?"

"I want _YOU_!" He hurled the truth in her face, and when she shrank back he felt no small amount of satisfaction. "And I thought I had you, until you had to go and ask for Tuvok's blessing, of all people. One word from him and you were cowering back in your corner, hiding behind 'command protocol' and 'parameters'. I'm so sick of it, Kathryn! We were finally getting close, but then you turned around and changed your mind, _again_. What was I supposed to do? I'm no saint; even I can only take so much. And if you weren't willing to _live_ our journey, then I was going to find someone who would." Bitter disappointment laced his voice. "You can stay in your ivory tower – rest assured, I won't try and touch you again!"

The mention of Tuvok cut through the haze of anger and hurt that enveloped her brain and she hesitated just long enough to let the thought register. Something the holographic Chakotay had said suddenly clicked into place.

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't recall turning you down."

He laughed mirthlessly. "You didn't have to. I heard enough to know –"

"I said," she cut him off, "I _don't_ recall turning you _down_!"

She stood very still, facing him head-on, daring him to contradict her. Unconsciously he mirrored her posture, clenching his hands at his sides.

"No," he finally said, expelling his breath. If he was completely honest, he had to concede that point. "You never did. Not in so many words. But after that day, after that conversation with Tuvok in your ready room, you changed, and I couldn't bear it. I had come too close to the fire, and got burned one too many times. And when Tuvok came to see me –"

"Tuvok came to see you? When?" Suddenly all the fight went out of her body. She struggled to stay upright, to keep the upper hand, but she could see his shoulders slumping as well. The confrontation was draining the last of their energy, but it was far from over.

"After he read you the riot act, he apparently figured that I was still enough of a loose cannon to warrant a special appointment." The sarcasm was back in his voice.

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it?" Suddenly he was upon her, having mobilized the last of his strength to deliver one final blow. He gripped her upper arms forcibly. "Tell me something, Kathryn. You set up this whole charade to get some straight answers, so now it's your turn to come out with the truth. Did you enjoy it? Did it satisfy you to see how 'we'," he indicated the three silent holographic figures with a quick jerk of his head, "how we fought about you; even I, after everything you've done to me?" He suddenly noticed he was shaking her and loosened his grip, but didn't let go completely. "You said you were trying to sort some things out. I sure hope it worked, because I don't think I can help you anymore."

"No, you can't." She was calm now, all her anger spent, and finally seeing the big picture. A long series of misconceptions and miscommunications had led them to this point, and now it seemed too late to salvage their relationship. They had waited too long. Still she had to try, if only to be able to face herself in the mirror tomorrow morning and not regret having let yet another chance slip her by.

"Tuvok made me realize that we'd been overdoing it, that we had crossed the line from merely teasing to outright courtship, and that not everyone felt comfortable with that level of familiarity on the bridge," she clarified, keeping her voice as level as possible. "But I never asked for his blessing. Actually, quite the contrary."

Chakotay's face was a mask of stone but he had somewhat relaxed his hands, so she was able to slip out from his grasp and pace about the room. "You said it yourself, that evening in your quarters: You always respected the parameters I defined for you." She paused, willing him to look at her. When he finally did, she looked away. "But somewhere along the line, I realized that that was the problem: I didn't want you to respect them anymore. I wanted you to go out on a limb, take a risk and sweep me off my feet, so I wouldn't have enough time to rationalize anything and just _be_ with you. Just like that kiss you gave me. But I knew you'd never do it again, you were always much too considerate for that. And for a while, I almost hated you for it." She trailed off, thinking back all the way to New Earth. If they had both been bolder then, none of this mess would have happened.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. The moment was never quite right, I guess."

"Is that all you have to say?" He was still angry, but at least he wasn't shouting anymore.

A thousand possibilities flitted through Janeway's mind, then scattered. Everything of importance had been said. Almost everything.

"Can you forgive me?" she finally asked.

"I don't know."

The blow hit her unexpectedly hard. She refrained from pointing out that it had been his misconceived assumptions about Tuvok which had created the real rift between them; at this point, it didn't matter anymore who had done or said what. They were both equally to blame for lost chances, and they had both been equally adept at driving the thorns deeper, hurting each other on levels too profound to just be glossed over.

Janeway moved to the arch, the holodeck's control center to the right of the double doors.

"You wanted to know if I had finally figured things out." She cast one last look at the three silent holograms, then touched a button to erase the program. Now only the two of them were left. "I did."

Kashyk had been an adventure, an experiment, a challenge, but no more than that. She could never be with anyone she did not trust implicitly.

Mark was the past. She had loved him, and she still loved the feeling of security and belonging he inspired in her. Maybe that was the reason why she had seen him in her vision – he represented everything she longed to have, everything she wanted to come home to after a long day on the bridge. But he wasn't the one she wanted to wake up with in the morning. Not anymore.

Her hand was poised over the control that would open the holodeck doors, yet she did not press it. She considered leaving without another word, but that wouldn't have been fair. After everything they'd been through, not just today but over the past months, he deserved a straight answer just as much as she did.

Chakotay still stood motionless. Moving slowly, Janeway approached and, after hesitating only briefly, kissed him squarely on the mouth. Despite the fact that he did not respond, she lingered long enough to make sure that the kiss went well past what friendship would have demanded.

She broke away without looking at him and went back to the arch, this time pressing the button that released the doors. "I love you," she said quietly, then moved out into the corridor and let the doors close behind her.

"Kathryn…" Chakotay's voice broke. Despite his earlier words, he was still head over heels in love with her and she had just burned him once again.

-==/ End of "Confrontations" \==-


End file.
